Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’