Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
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[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.