[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
yes… yes…
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?