Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Milk Cube
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.