Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?