When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
it was a valiant fight
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.