Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.