Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what