Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.