(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days