We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
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Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman