Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
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After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
*Inspirational Tweets*
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”