Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Potatoes were such a good idea
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”