“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god