There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable