Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
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Don’t touch that.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*