HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work