[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.