My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
(by @ZachWeiner )
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.