So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.