When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
You Might Also Like
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.