My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“you recording!?”
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.