Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
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me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?