Me irl
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Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.