[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?