Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.