[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
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Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
when someone compliments me
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad