Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.