M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
i was baptized in a car wash
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
listen closely
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.