I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.