Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.