A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’m just playing devils avocado here
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.