Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
$3 #books
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*