It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.