OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Ken is short for chicken
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.