Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.