Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!