“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
How software testing works
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?