Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
liiiiiiiiike
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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