me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
pizza
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace