The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
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And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.