Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.