Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Blew my mind.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest