Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better