Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Basketball games are very squeaky.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.