my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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Don’t snitch tag.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Digital security in Ancient Troy