My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go