interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules