Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
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My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.