I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.